All About Winter and the Fallacies of Prognostication

Winter is good because it’s a change from summer. Winter is cold and summer is hot. At least that’s the way God originally planned it. It can snow in winter but it cannot snow in summer (in the northern hemisphere), so winter is a better time to expect snow. Winter is also the only time of year in which you can have blizzard without going to Dairy Queen. (If you do go to Dairy Queen, get me a large chocolate blizzard with health bar.)

Winter inspires poetry and song and it kills poison ivy. Still, I don’t think you should touch dead poison ivy as it is insidious and can remain on the dead plants for at least 5 years. The active ingredient in poison ivy is urushiol and it is so potent that 1/4 ounce of urushiol is enough to cause a rash in every single person on the planet. This is true.

Winter is when the hemisphere on which you find yourself is tilted away from the sun. That means that you are then farther away from the sun than you are in the summer. This is a free ride.

There is a war named after winter. It is called, unceremoniously, the Winter War. Pretty catchy name, huh? Anyway, it was a war between the Soviet Union and Finland. This sounds funny to me because Finland is where trolls come from.

Winter is good because there are no wasps trying to sting you but it’s a terrible time of year for you if you have chionophobia. I can see not liking winter or even hating it, but I can’t see fearing it. (AKA chionophobia)

Winter is not always the best time of year to hang clothes out to dry. Not so much for the cold temperatures (although that certainly does come into play) but also because of the wind that sometimes accompanies the cold. Even though clothes freeze on the line when it’s below 32 degrees, it will still dry. The process by which it dries is called sublimation. Look it up.

Back in August, the Farmer’s Almanac predicted a “bitterly cold” winter. I think the Farmer’s almanac was written by the same people who brought us the bible. How stupid does a person have to be to believe that someone can predict the weather sooner than modern day technology can? I’m not saying that today’s technology works better or is even more accurate than the Farmer’s Almanac. I’m just saying it’s stupid. A few years ago there was day when the forecast called for a “100% chance of rain,” and it didn’t rain. This is funny for two reasons:

1)      It didn’t rain.

2)      How can there be a 100% CHANCE of something happening? Doesn’t 100% mean that the “something” will definitely happen?

Winter is good time to wear lots of clothes. You can even wear strange things and no one will look at you funny (for the most part). You can wear all sorts of crazy hats or ear muffs, you can wrap a long piece of material around your neck (I think this is called “wearing a scarf”) you can wear a winter coat with a sweater underneath it with a shirt underneath that and a t-shirt under the shirt. You could even throw a raincoat over all of that. You can wear gloves that allow you to use a touch screen smart phone. And how about those gloves that don’t cover your fingers and socks that cover individual toes? Both of those are stupid, but no one will tell you so.

There are some funny things you’ll see in winter like dogs wearing sweaters, that’s always amusing. People falling down are always funny and there’s a better chance of that happening in the winter. Related to that is seeing a cat or dog trying to run on ice and only managing to slip and slide around like a road runner cartoon character.

Another good thing about winter is that you’ll see and hear your neighbors less. I like that one a lot.