Let's talk about me

Firstly, I am NOT self-centered, egocentric, self-absorbed, selfish, egotistical or narcissistic.

I'm just better than you.

I can add large numbers up in my head. It doesn’t matter how big the numbers are. They can be in the millions, just give me two such numbers and I will immediately add them up in my head.

I can balance rocks on top of each other. It doesn’t matter how big the rocks are. They can be as big as houses; I can still get them balanced on top of each other.

I have met all of the Christians in the world. I can give you their addresses and average number of sins they commit in a week’s time.

I have had one of every item sold at Dairy Queen.

I know the elemental table by heart. I can identify the elemental composition of any physical object just by holding it In my hand.

I have tamed several fire-breathing dragons and taught them to say: “Excuse me” after they burn someone or something to a crisp.

I have counted all of the giraffes in Africa as of June 4, 2014.

I made up a magical fantastical realm and named it Hemmingway Woods. This is where I live.

I have the ability to fly using nothing more than a few cotton balls tucked into my vest pocket. I have flown over both the Atlantic and Pacific seas.

I have spent a weekend in the International Space Station.

I introduced Jesus of Nazareth to Jethro Tull.

I can keep a secret forever and never tell another living soul. I can also (at will) purposefully forget the secret and therefore ensure its secrecy. Once forgotten, I can choose to remember the secret at any time.

I single highhandedly filled Lake Massawippi with all the water it now contains. If I choose, I can empty the lake with just one careless gesture.

Although thought to be a whimsical invention created by the writers of the Roseanne show, l was the inventor of loose meat sandwiches and sold them in Portland, Oregon from 1966 through 1969.

I taught Madonna how to play the guitar.

There are 4 streets in NYC that bear my name (in some form).

I wrote many songs for Alice Cooper to sing including No More Mister Nice Guy.

I brought wheat grass to the attention of the general public and own the rights to its distribution throughout the modern world.  No wheat grass is sold anywhere without some residual payment made to me.

I named most of the islands in all the Pacific Sea’s archipelagos.  90% of the islands are named after one of my siblings.

I am responsible for the addition of “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance. I thought it was sarcastic and funny but somehow people actually started to believe it. I believe it to be the only mistake I’ve ever made.

In the mid-eighties, I captured several white weasels and bred them in captivity until they were brought back from extinction. I then placed large communities of white weasels in various natural habitats through the world where they have since thrived and pretty much overrun the natural balance of the ecosystems in which I placed them.

I created religion so I could have an easy way to identify normal people from mindless automatons. It seems to be working well so far.

I accidentally caused Type-II supernovae to implode too closely to a neighboring star system but the good news is that red dwarf that was created will now burn for trillions of years.  

I removed the eleventh commandment from the (now known as) Ten Commandments because I didn’t think that people would take a cotton to the sin of eating snow.

I was the first person anywhere to shave his head. As a result, a maniacal nemesis shot me in the heart. The bullet was a through-and-through and the shell casing was never found. My heart healed after a few days and I have commissioned a search committee to find the errant shell casing so it can be added to the other artifacts that can be viewed in my personal museum.

I find stupid animals and then bring them to faraway lands where some indigenous predator will kill them.

I disband all the Squid Worshiping cultures that I find and supplant  their oceanic beliefs with the physics of cartoons.

I personally created all the parlor tricks used in the silent movies of the early 1900’s.

I drew up the blueprints for the Alamo, but the foreman on the job didn’t speak Sumerian (my native language) and mistranslated the word “palatial” as “diminutive.” The rest is history.

Essentially, I'm the most interesting person I know.