Huh? What was that you said...?

I got a comment on my post about misophonia, and I was recently told that I am very good at carrying on an entire conversation with an inanimate object. I'm not sure if this is such a great thing to be good at, but I'm OK with telling it as it is.

Since I was made aware of this talent, I've realized that these conversations come about for one of two reasons. Or maybe three reasons. Four tops. In this post, I'll address the number one reason why I may have a conversation with, well, you know, something that can't talk back.

The most likely reason I will have a conversation with a "thing" is because the thing is making a noise. To me, the noise it's making is really the same as a person making unsolicited, irritating and continual comments or insults. So, not only is this thing making a noise, but it is doing so just to be offensive. In most situations, it can take a long time to figure out what is making the unwanted noise, and this is what I believe gets the conversation going.

Riding in the truck is a major source of noise problems and therefore a good conversation starter.

The truck makes a LOT of noises and there are some that can't be fixed. But there are things in the glove compartments (there are 2 of them) that make rattling noises that can be stopped, sometimes. Fixing this complicated problem involves opening the door and forcefully rearranging the contents with a quick random shake-up. This may have to be repeated several times to get things settled in a way that they don't continue to conspire to irritate me. These items are unpredictable.

In addition, there's a rattling noise in the far right air conditioning vent that makes a plastic on plastic chattering sound. It's way down deep in the duct somewhere. The only way to stop the noise is to close the vent. This is not a satisfactory solution in the summer when the air conditioning is on. But in most situations, this sound can be reasoned with.  

In the truck's middle console between the two front seats, there are several little open organizing trays. A lot of random things get thrown into these nooks such as pens, coins, paper clips, little tiny flashlights, key chains, etc. and they rudely clang and clink amongst themselves. I usually take the pens and put them into the big console compartment that closes with a lid. If they continue to make noise in there, I can't hear them so I don't care. The coins I take and put in my pocket. The other things are either put in the glove box, put in my pocket for future placement, or thrown out the window during an argument. OK, so I don't actually throw things out of the window but it would probably feel good to get the last word in.

The truck keys dangle from the ignition and they clink and clank and bang into each other incessantly carrying on a loud raucous discussion that sounds a little like an argument. Sometimes, I must send out a silent distress signal because Allen will stop them from swinging and that immediately stops their debate (temporarily).

In the back seat, the two shoulder seat belts hang in a specific place against the interior and along the side of the seat. If someone uses those seat belts, they don't automatically reel back into the proper position after their use. No, no, no. They hang there halfway to where they should be and the buckle part of the strap hits the hard plastic side panel and makes a loud clanking noise and does so over and over again. They don't roll-up into the right position despite their ability to do so and if they did, they'd be made to keep their thoughts to themselves. They just clank until I make Allen stop the truck so that I can get out, open the back door and firmly remind them of their place. This may have to be repeated for the other side of the truck depending on circumstances. It's possible that these Toyota seat belts still speak Japanese, which would account for our communication problems. .

In the center of the truck in the area near the floor, there is a rattling noise that comes from somewhere within. This noise is affected by temperature and when "in season" it's an almost constant irritant. I have had some small successes by prying the plastic apart where it meets the floor carpeting and putting a piece of cardboard there to keep the space sufficiently open. Unfortunately, this fix only lasts for 15-30 seconds before the noise works up the courage to start giving me more flack. Usually this will mean that the cardboard wedge will have to be reprimanded, I mean repositioned.

Similarly, a well-placed cardboard wedge can also stop a squeak that sometimes comes from the space where the bottom of the windshield meets the dashboard. At first it seemed to be a noise from within the defrosting vents, but it is actually a noise created by something inside the vents, inaccessible for a permanent fix. This noise knows I can't stop it and it's very obnoxious about this fact.

Items in the door pockets are notorious noise makers, especially metal spray cans of sunblock as they bump into adjacent bottles and other pocket contents. These would seem easy to fix by simply moving the items away from each other, but its not that simple.

Anything free to move around will eventually rub up against something else and start yacking again. The trick here is to get the items in the pockets tight up against each other so that they can only get enough air for a whisper. One of the offenders in this location is a small plastic first aid kit. Considering what a first aid kit is used for, you'd think it would be more polite and concerned about a person's welfare. This is not the case, trust me. I've gotten the information straight from the source. 

Plastic water bottles can not be made to stop squeaking and or crackling in a cup holder or when they're still in a plastic wrap case (after at least one has been removed). This is a fact and there's nothing that can be done other than not bring water bottles into the vehicle in the first place. I've had some serious conversations with the bottles about this and simply could not care less. I hate them.

Purchases placed into the back seat have the potential to be very aggravating. Since these new purchases are essentially guests at this point, you'd think there would be some honeymoon period. This hasn't been my experience. There's so many things that can wrong here. The purchases can contain things that can and do rub, rustle, scrape, squeak, chatter, hum, pop, buzz or make many other annoying sounds. Styrofoam is King Annoyance in this situation. The larger the bag and the looser the items are packed create more chances for a serious difference of opinion.

Just to be clear, I don't think these conversations actually help with the noise problems. But it's always good to get things off your chest, don't you think?